Wavering confidence and self belief? You ARE the definition of Success!

My client walks into the room wearing an Airforce Blue sharp tailored suit. Looking a lot like Harvey from Suits (Netflix Show). He opens a jacket button, takes a seat as he’s checking his reflection in the window.

We begin our consultation as he shares snippets about himself.

His office is in one those sky scrapers in Canary Wharf with spectacular views of London. He has a cushy job in the Financial Sector. His earnings afford him every comfort he desires. He has a university degree, he travels and experiences life. He has a lovely home in London and enjoys living life on his terms.

His friends describe him as great fun, sensible and caring. He has the full support of a huge family who love him dearly. He tells me about a recent family wedding where he enjoyed catching up with extended family. He loves belonging to these people. He smiles as he tells me the details.

He also tells me how he lived and worked in Greenwich, New York for over a year. He was selected for an internship that is pretty hard to land. For the first time he makes direct eye contact, leans in and is smiling. His emotional state changes. I knew immediately he was super proud of this achievement.

He’s lit up! This guy is shaping up to be definition of success, don’t you think?

He’s 31 yrs old, a great catch right? He’s made so much happen, this guy directs his own destiny. He anticipates life and makes his moves.

We’re half way into the discovery session, i’m making a few notes but then I abruptly stop as he utters:-

“I only speak out when someone wants to speak to me”

“ I don’t know what to say in the moment”

“I get kinda nervous”

“I would never approach a stranger”

What? How? I’m confused. Trying not to show my alarm.

Is this the SAME super- successful-dude? I have to scan my notes quickly to make sure i’m not having a creepy de-ja-vu moment. Affirmative. It’s the same guy, pretty much the dictionary definition of success.

How can this be… ?

Truth Bomb. People who lack confidence and self belief ARE usually also successful. You heard that right. They ARE successful. They keep their sh*t together. They are brilliant. Intelligent. Personable. They show up to work, they deliver and are often the firms top performers. They have a knack to keep life ticking along. No-one is any the wiser. They are normal looking, just like me and you.

Underneath all this, there’s a voice in their head saying negative things, making them anxious and wonder if they are good enough. They question their decisions and need approval. Since they’re so smart, they find interesting ways to cover up all the negative thinking and suppress their feelings.

Having low confidence or self doubt is NOT a sign of failure and incapability. In fact it shows that you have a HIGH standard. You respect yourself AND you know you are CAPABLE of so much more.

Have you heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect? This term was coined in 1999. The effect can best be explained as those who are considered (by many) to be incompetent often rate themselves very highly. They’re filled with self confidence and have no self awareness. I bet someone has just popped into your mind, right?!

On the flip side, people who are highly competent, intellectual, capable usually undermine their ability. They are smart enough to know they have gaps in their knowledge and have greater self awareness. This is so true of my experience. If you’re not sure just take a look at the current political landscape across the world.

A small niggling thought about our level of knowledge or competence becomes distorted in our mind. Our subconscious mind in order to protect us, takes this thought and turns it into a full blown fear over time. It starts looking for evidence to prove this thought. The quality of evidence is debatable. If you happen to put two sugars in your coffee when you really like one, it will use this to prove that you are incompetent. When you discover you have forgotten your phone, it will use this evidence to prove you are incompetent. Fears and anxieties are born and we gradually start to modify our behaviour to accommodate them.

Why is our mind doing this? Our mind is pre programmed for our survival and constantly looks for ways to increase our chances of success. Success equals survival in our primitive mind.

During the early man era incompetence meant you were banished from your tribe which would have resulted in death. The subconscious mind pays closer attention to negative emotions to protect you from danger. Our subconscious mind is still operating with an old programme. Our subconscious mind doesn’t realise when we question our competence that it is in fact because we are super smart and realise there may be gaps in our knowledge. It’s not a life or death situation. Far from it! The subconscious mind takes a negative thought and believes we are incompetent. Looks for any old kind of evidence. It plants a fear and anxiety to make you vigilant, alerts you when a situation may be unknown to protect you from displaying incompetence. Our subconscious mind is not rational or analytical.

I digress. Anyway, you’re here for proven solutions not theory…

The EXCITING news….

The old programme CAN be changed to rediscover, revive and relaunch you.

Together we can break old negative associations and create a brand new mindset.

You get to design a unique belief system using language you respond to (self assurance, high confidence, capability, self-belief, self-love and so on). Like others, you can try relying on willpower to grow your confidence but sooner or later your subconscious will override and hold you back.

Our change programmes are tailor made to give you the beliefs to live a satisfying and successful life.

Thoughts, feelings and behaviours underpin our confidence and self belief. Imagine the possibilities when high confidence and a massive self belief becomes your default?

Hi! I’m Roksana, a life coach for women in St Albans, Hertfordshire. I run face to face and online sessions via Zoom. I’m always happy to answer your questions around any of my methods or approaches. Long term changes begin with a guide who has walked a similar path, has a blueprint, will give you support and accountability every step of the way. If you’re interested to know more then please book a FREE call with me.

Your transformation journey begins here!

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