Social anxiety is a real issue for many clients and people generally. I’ve written about what social anxiety is, the symptoms and challenges.

Two points are worth repeating. Firstly, the symptoms of social anxiety are nuanced for every individual. The root cause and desired outcome determines the treatment pathway. Secondly, social anxiety can be well managed and, in many cases, unlearned with coaching and therapy.

I share with you a case study and with it a road map about a client who I’ll call Mariah for confidentiality reasons.

Before Mariah set foot in my practice, she told me she had contemplated the decision of coaching for over six months. She selected me (to be her coach) but didn’t know if she wanted to open the door of coaching and therapy. A fear of what might come up but also a natural fear of whether it would indeed work.

Mariah is a full-time Mum, she walked away from a senior leadership role in a male dominate company, after the arrival of her third child. A career she had cultivated for over a decade. Mariah believed the transition exacerbated the symptoms of her social anxiety. The transition left her feeling invalidated, questioning her worth and value in the absence of the career and senior position.

Mariah found herself dreading group social situations, even with people she knew well. Her anxiety and stress levels would peak, she would over think upcoming situations. She would also obsessively control whatever she could. Often leading to out-of-proportion reactions with her family. She wasn’t proud of her behaviour during these moments or out bursts. On reflection, these instances confirmed the negative bias of her self-perception, of not being good enough and questioning her worth and value. She was stuck in a vicious cycle.

Mariah’s first session was surprisingly explosive!

As soon as she walked in, I met a polite and intelligent lady. Mariah, at first, presented as a timid and shy person. With me on a one to one, she was confident. She was very self-aware, talking without hesitation, sharing her thoughts, feelings and behaviours relating to her confidence levels and the social anxiety. I collected a lot of information. I noticed how she apologised constantly for talking or getting upset. I reassured her, I was impressed with her insights.

Then, I asked her how long she has been this way, she seemed confused mainly because she couldn’t remember a time, she wasn’t this way. To help her pinpoint a time or age, I asked if she has been this way in her career to which she replied “yes” but it was easier to hide behind the role. “You’re playing a role at work so no one really knows the real you”. How insightful! The perfect cover.

I asked her to go back on her timeline to university days. She recalled herself having low confidence and low self-esteem. She found Alcohol gave her a confidence boost and enabled her to socialise. She also recalled, she partied a bit too hard and her grades were effected until she reigned it in.

I asked her to go back further to Secondary school and she recalled friendships not being too easy but nothing out of the unusual. She achieved high grades and felt successful.

Then, we went back on the timeline to Primary school, and it was here, I had hit a live wire. Maria’s demeanour changed, she began to cry, and her voice raised. She said “I know where the issue started, it’s all to do with my parents but I’m not prepared to say anything negative about them” and, “you can’t make me go there”.

Mariah became angry towards me. As though I had led her to a dark past she didn’t want to go to. I knew better than to take it personally or professionally! As always, I held a safe space for her to explore her thoughts and feelings. Once she calmed herself, she opened up about her childhood.

Mariah’s revealed, when she was around 9-10 years old, her parents had a very messy on-off break up which went on for some years. Her Dad had an affair with her Mum’s best friend and naturally her Mum was devastated. They tried to recover from the affair and rebuild their relationship. They both used Alcohol heavily which led to frequent and extreme arguments which Mariah and her sister witnessed.

Mariah’s childhood was peppered with stand-out moments. She recalled this one time. A big argument broke out one night which led to her father threatening to shoot himself, in the shed, at the back of the garden. To commit suicide. Mariah petrified stood in the door frame of the garden, her dads shadow disappearing off to the back of the garden. Standing in the dark with her sister, time seemed to stand still, not knowing what the next few moments would mean for them. She could hear her mum pleading with her dad, although she couldn’t see a thing in the dark garden. There was an elongated silence which felt like hours had passed. Out of nowhere, both her parents walked back to the house.  She turned to look at her sister, trembling in the cold, they were both confused and scared.

The event was never spoken about again.

Mariah recalled many Christmases and birthdays being difficult or non-events. As a young person, she made sense of the world through her senses and emotions. She believed; the two people who should love her the most didn’t think she was worthy of an explanation from what she witnessed. She believed her father didn’t love her enough that’s why he didn’t want to stay. She took their breakup personally, that she somehow wasn’t enough. She wasn’t important enough and she didn’t matter. She believed her concerns and feelings didn’t matter. She believed it’s best not to speak about difficult times or heightened emotions. These beliefs were solidified by the act of neither of her parents asking her how she was coping with the breakup. It was never spoken about.

Eventually, her parents split up and moved on with their lives. Mariah began to find joy in her life and went from strength to strength academically. What remained silently with her, were the beliefs and meanings she had made about herself. She learned to contain them through suppression and avoidance. When, occasionally, the emotional intensity was high, she used Alcohol or other distractions effectively.

In her 20’s and 30’s, Mariah developed a successful career, adopting roles, personally and professionally which helped her to feel validated. They were also the perfect disguise; she could be someone else or tap into parts of her identity disconnected with the painful past. She championed women’s causes in the workplace, being of service to others mattered and it helped her focus on her potential.

Everything felt under control until Mariah’s children came along.  With each child being born, she felt more and more vulnerable. Her emotions heightened; she couldn’t contain them any longer.

She found herself overthinking and worrying about being judged as a mother with a career. She started to experience imposter syndrome at work, believing she wasn’t good enough. As each child came along, Mariah felt herself questioning her value and worth and with it, feeling intense emotions. She kept people at arm’s length, never really getting too close in fear of them finding out about her past. She realised she wasn’t being authentic and honest about who she was, and this caused a great deal of unrest within. She felt a sense of emptiness.

The truth is, not many people knew about her past or the limiting beliefs she held, so the person she was lying to, was herself.

As sessions went on, Mariah realised that building confidence and high self-esteem was unsustainable without honouring, processing, and releasing the wounds from her past.

There isn’t a coaching model capable of sustaining confidence and unlearning the patterns of social anxiety without healing deep rooted wounds and beliefs.

In the subsequent sessions, I helped Mariah to manage her stress and anxiety levels in her everyday life. I taught her breath work practices calming down her nervous system and becoming grounded. We did Hypnotherapy to retrain her mind to change her perception of everyday moments that heighten her stress. This built resilience. I taught her how to effectively use EFT (Tapping) to dial down the intensity of the stress or anxiety she has. This can be used to prevent stress from building and is also effective as a cure, in real-time, for challenging moments.

Mariah was afraid to be her authentic self. She was worried about other people’s opinions of her, so she avoided having to connect or interact with people. She was becoming reclusive. With Hypnotherapy, we created a shield of protection, creating a safe space within herself so she can be herself. Any negative opinions from others or indeed her own, would bounce off her. All positive and loving compliments able to penetrate her shield. To test if this worked, with each passing day, she kept a tally of when she was able to make eye contact and say hi to passers-by. She also kept a record of the interactions she was having with school mums, at pick up and drop off. Her numbers incrementally rose and with it her confidence and self-esteem began to grow.

With her unwavering commitment and consistency, she experienced momentum. She observed herself making progress and this felt so good.

Once she stabilised and I had evidence she was using her mindset tools to gain more in control of her everyday life, it was time. I proposed the idea of exploring wounds from her past. By now, she knew how to manage anxiety and stress effectively, so I wasn’t concerned about her spiralling or becoming overwhelmed by what comes up. In my professional opinion, this is a crucial step in the process, without this, it would be irresponsible to risk destabilising a client.

It took a while to convince Mariah of the connection between her childhood and social anxiety. Once Mariah accepted this she was determined to heal by any means necessary.

We used Root Cause Hypnotherapy, EMDR and EFT (Tapping) to access the events stored in her subconscious mind. The place where her meanings, beliefs and wounds were located. These modalities are designed to honour, process and heal the wounded imprints from the past. She courageously faced and honoured her wounds one by one.  We took one session at a time with regular check-ins.

Each session, Mariah noticed break throughs and mindset shifts. Her initial ideas about safety, people and her world started to change in ways she couldn’t imagine possible before. She felt more relaxed and with it a joyous demeanour emerged. She would turn up to sessions with casual conversation about how she has been a ‘social butterfly’ all week!

Within ten session, Mariah’s social anxiety had dissolved. She knew how to manage any triggers or moments, knowing they will pass. She recognised her mind may occasionally glitch to her old beliefs but now confident she knew how to ground herself. She realised whenever she felt anxiety or stress, she was more likely to glitch, so she kept this well-managed. She grew her capability on preventing and curing her state of mind when the old beliefs would surface.

Mariah started to say things like,

“I’ve realised people don’t have time to care about me so why am I overthinking their opinions of me, especially strangers?”

“I know that it’s my responsibility to overcome this issue and I will”

“I’m just as good, I have just as much to offer as anyone else”.

“I’m a brilliant Mum and I’m proud of myself”.

Mariah’s success was down to her motivating force. Her children. She wanted to be the best version of herself for her children. She wanted to overcome social anxiety because she knew only too well that children socially model what they see, not what they are told to do. With time, she was able to accept that she wanted to overcome social anxiety for herself too. She only had one life and she wanted to live with joy.

I hope this case study helps you to realise social anxiety is overcome one stone at a time. By unlearning and releasing the beliefs you hold. Understanding what the beliefs are. Questioning if the protection your subconscious mind created for you as a child is still required today, as a fully grown adult. Questioning who you would be or how you would live without the old beliefs.

It’s through compassionate enquiry that you untangle the knots and limitations. It’s with EMDR and Hypnotherapy that you may come to heal your inner child, learning her wants and how she wants you to take care of her from now on. You see, the intense emotions you experience are not coming from the adult you, they are coming from your inner child, who is still waiting for someone to hold a space for her, to parent and love her in exactly the way she needs.

Learning to parent your inner child comes easy once you get to know her. Like a child, she is easily pleased with regular attention and love. Instead of supressing your feelings, you will learn to sit still and honour feelings. Then take a small action that provides evidence of your care. This process helps you become more playful and lighter in life.

Confidence grows naturally when you experience yourself letting go of the old belief and still feel safe. Once upon a time ago you believed the world is unsafe, you won’t be accepted for all that you are and it’s best not to take up too much space in this world. Letting go of such beliefs, releases blocked energy and creates expansion. Your mind is free to be curious about new possibilities and you become more present in your every day life. Living in the moment, truly experiencing the love, joy and opportunity available to you.

Hi! I’m Roksana. I’m a life coach for women in St Albans, Hertfordshire. I run face to face and online sessions via Zoom. I also specialise in trauma healing. I’m always happy to answer your questions around any of my methods or approaches. Long term changes begin with a guide who has walked a similar path, has a blueprint, will give you support and accountability every step of the way. If you’re interested to know more then please book a FREE call with me.