For those who take the risk and walk away from careers, marriages, friendships, or relationships the freedom requires paying an exit tax.

“Go find your glow”, “Find your Inner Peace”, or “I’d rather adjust to your absence than be hurt by your presence”. The encouragement you’ll hear from friends and family when you’re contemplating walking away from a situation that is unfulfilling or hurting you more than it’s serving you.

In the western world, we salute friends and family courageous and brave to put themselves first. Rightly so. Nobody should endure relentless suffering in any situation.

In the South Asian community, women especially are treated in quite the opposite way for even entertaining the idea of putting themselves first. Suffering is idealised. Often generations of women will share anecdote of suffering and endurance, outdoing the last story shared. A blend of cathartic toxic point scoring.

What is much less spoken about pan culture is that peace is expensive. We don’t talk about how much peace costs people. Putting yourself first requires taking risks and living with uncertainty.  Making tough decisions that potentially change the course of the rest of your life and all those impacted.

People leave financial stability, having to work through uncertainty and figure out how to rebuild security. They leave the institutions, networks and relationships that were once maintaining factors of parts of their identity. They grapple with an identity crisis and question their worth, value and contribution.

People leave familial stability for their emotional health. They will have cried about this loss night after night before and after walking away. They cope with the gaps knowing they are missing one-off family moments they would have been part off. They come to terms with the fact, the people who were once there closest are now complete strangers. They mourn the loss of family togetherness which they still crave.

We don’t talk about the fact that acquiring peace is not easy. The day-dreaming, decision-making and strategizing consumes energy for months, years or decades. The going backwards and forwards on decisions, considering the greater good and minimising your personal suffering to avoid making the ultimate choice. The discomfort doesn’t end after you take the plunge either. Once pulling the plug becomes the only viable choice, you have to dig deep. To have the conversations. Firstly, rehearsed in your mind and then with  courage deliver the speech. Knowing your only viable option is causing them deep discomfort and their subjective perspective of the situation means you are to blame. You absorb the fall out, the anger and their pain.

You’ll find your peace creates all sorts of people to have all sorts of opinions about you. At times you’ll want to defend yourself, but you don’t because you would rather them be wrong about you than enter a dialogue that risks re-triggering trauma.

Walking away from something or someone you once loved and nurtured means every now and again you will miss the old times. You’ll miss what you once created with them and for them. After time, you’ll have flashbacks of the wholesome moments, the laughter, and the joyous connection. You will miss them. You’ll feel the loss and the grief may rest heavy in your heart, easing only with the passing of time.

Here’s my truth though, it’s always worth it in the end. Any time you get close to making huge impact the desire to flea becomes overwhelming. Sometimes that instinct serves us and other times it’s trying to protect what doesn’t need protecting. Instead, it tries to prevent us from taking the very risk we absolutely must take.

Acquiring the intangible, the emotional expansion and the mental freedom is for those of us who can brave the journey. The deep work is rewarded with love, joy, and freedom. Deep inner peace comes with an exit tax that is rarely discussed.

Next time, you see someone glowing, sharing wisdom and protective of their peace; remember the risks, the bravery, the personal journey they will have been on. I hope this inspires you into taking action. And if today, all you’ve done is hold yourself together, I am proud of you.

Hi! I’m Roksana. I’m a life coach for women in St Albans, Hertfordshire. I run face to face and online sessions via Zoom. I’m always happy to answer your questions around any of my methods or approaches. Long term changes begin with a guide who has walked a similar path, has a blueprint, will give you support and accountability every step of the way. If you’re interested to know more then please book a FREE call with me.