We all have one!
Our Inner child (subconscious mind) is running the show and it’s only when we invest in developing a deep awareness of ourselves that we observe all the nuanced ways, she’s still hurting.
Some people use the terms ‘Inner Child’ and ‘Ego’ interchangeably but that’s confusing and inaccurate.
Let me break it down for you.
When you find yourself triggered by an event or experience, it always leads back to your unhealed Inner child or an unhealed part of your developing self. Your unhealed Inner child (still) communicates by creating intense emotions to get you to pay attention to the wound(s).
At some point in your childhood, an intense emotion was created (in reaction to an event) which developed into an association or a trigger (in the brain) that still lives within you today. Your inner child is living energy, resident in your mind and body connection. You can be triggered by anything and everything that re-creates the original intense emotion.
Our identity and beliefs are shaped during Childhood by our childish emotion-based reasoning way before the logical part of our mind has developed.
Our caregivers (often unintentionally) led us to believe that were loved for what we do and how well we corporate rather than for who we simply are. As children, this means deep parts of ourselves believe we’re inherently unworthy and the only way to be worthy is earn approval from our caregivers.
Even if we believe we are smart, attractive, wholesome the overriding feeling is of unworthiness or desire for approval. The beliefs that were embedded during childhood are experienced more profoundly so as adults we feel dismayed because logically, we know we are great but the feeling of unworthiness won’t settle down.
Most of my clients have striven for greatness throughout their life and the drive (albeit subconscious) comes from the desire for approval and acceptance. They may no longer need it from care givers, it now may be a spouse, friends, colleagues or (worryingly) strangers.
If you’re thinking my childhood was great, I don’t recall any bad experiences then it’s possible during your development stage (under age 12) you witnessed someone close to you experience some difficulties. As a child, it’s very easy for our immature mind to think events happening to others are happening to us. This is why strict criteria is applied when rating movies deemed suitable for children. Children can’t apply logically reasoning, their imagination can distort reality (movie) into thinking they are under threat. The images they see, forms their map of the world, and can scar them for years.
One of my clients told me about a recent experience. Her friend texted last minute to tell her she can’t make dinner plans. The text contained a thorough and legitimate reason, but my client felt an instant heart wrenching physical feeling in her chest. When I teased out the emotion behind her reaction, she felt ‘rejection’ accurately summed it up for her. She then went on to tell me the feeling was familiar as though rejection was a living energy within her and every now and again, she became acutely aware of it. Eventually, she shared about the multiple times in her childhood when her Mum and Dad promised to hang out with her, on a one-to-one basis but then things came up and plans were cancelled. In fairness to her parents, she said they were well meaning and had busy lives but she felt she was the ‘easiest’ to cancel because she didn’t kick off.
Observe how an experience from her childhood creates heart wrenching feelings of rejection in adulthood. Wounds from her childhood affect (and muddy) her present day reality. As an adult she’s logical. She knows life happens and people have to reschedule from time to time but her reaction doesn’t come from the rational part of her mind, it comes from the subconscious mind also known as the engine in the survival part of the Brain.
The wound of ‘rejection’ is activated by a trigger or association from her subconscious mind.
The subconscious is where many brain functions reside. Your breathing, your heart beating, your organs detoxing are just a tiny number of the bodily functions you never need to instruct your mind to do. These functions are hard wired into your subconscious mind for your survival. This part of the brain is also where childhood experiences, associated habits, emotions and behaviours reside and form your identity.
Roy Lachman, Janet Lachman and Earl Butterfield, in the book Cognitive Psychology and Information Processing, they explain:
“MOST OF WHAT WE DO GOES ON UNCONSCIOUSLY. IT IS THE EXCEPTION NOT THE RULE WHEN THINKING IS CONSCIOUS, BY IT’S VERY NATURE CONSCIOUS THOUGHTS SEEMS THE ONLY THOUGHTS. IT IS NOT THE ONLY THOUGHT, IT IS THE MINORITY”
Our thoughts come from an unconscious stream. Today, if you have unhelpful thoughts, feelings or behaviours there’s a high chance, at some point, it was essential to your survival as a child, so they were stored in your subconscious mind. If you find yourself feeling angry and with hindsight realise it’s an out of proportion reaction, there’s a high chance in your past you NEEDED to display anger in order to be released (either physically or emotionally) from an unpleasant situation. Or it may be anger rose up within you but you weren’t allowed to express it, so you supressed the feelings…
Similarly, if you have thoughts that you’re just not good enough there’s a high chance at some point in your childhood your circumstances led you to draw this conclusion about yourself.
The feeling and thought lodges in your mind over time as the Egoic part of the mind (responsible for your survival) considers your thoughts and beliefs to be essential to your survival. So, in a myriad of ways over months, years and decades it confirms this bias (but crooked) belief until it’s fully embedded. When your teacher doesn’t give you credit, when you forget your keys, when you’re considered a misfit, all of life’s experiences work towards confirming the bias that indeed you’re not good enough (or whatever the original feeling was).
As children, we can’t intercept this process because a) we don’t know it’s happening and b) we rely on our care givers to protect, nurture, and nourish our mind, body and spirit.
An experience or event from childhood created an intense feeling or behaviour which still shows up today. Something we would rather forget, won’t be forgotten.
We only become triggered, activated or hooked if we live with unhealed wounds from our childhood.
The Ego is not the same as our Inner Child.
The Ego is a part of ourself that serves as a defence mechanism to avoid going inwards to heal the wounds of the inner child.
Nearly every client experiences some form of resistance when it comes to personal growth and healing.
Logically they invest, they are ready yet when the time comes to reflect on the wounds they struggle to commit to the process (I fully expect this response and build in the antidotes!).
Your ego’s real purpose is to keep you separate from your wound. The Ego’s job (in childhood) was to guard your wound because once upon a time ago the thoughts, feelings and beliefs were essential for your survival. These created the building blocks of your identity which was deemed essential (by your ego) for your survival.
The identity that was once essential for your survival is most likely causing carnage in your life now. The intensity of the emotions or the disproportionate reactions are likely upsetting those around you.
The only thing you should do is go straight to the wound. Face the wound and work to release and heal the wound.
Once the wound has been processed and released fully, the Ego no longer needs to guard the wound. You will have replaced the original identity with a new wholesome identity through NLP, Hypnotherapy and Coaching.
The Ego becomes redundant once the wound clears but please don’t be lulled into thinking this can be achieved in one go. You can certainly dislodge an identity (such as I’m not accepted) but so many associations will have been built to keep that identity secure so it becomes your job to practice all the tools given you to ensure your new identity becomes more powerful than the old programming.
We are complex creatures!
Every wound has its own nuance. At first you develop awareness. Then you become observant of the many and varied ways your Ego works to guard the wound. It does so by developing inner resistance in the form of procrastination, overwhelm or self-sabotage. Keep a journal to start recording your responses and reactions.
Over time, with a coach or therapist to guide you through the process you can heal the wounds. You should only go to the places your mind is comfortable.
Clients often share the heightened state of anxiety and dread when anticipating family get togethers. Usually, this is because each family member shows up with their own pain body. We default back to our childlike way, our vulnerabilities and insecurities ignite in the anticipation. We’re triggered by the people, the environment and the echo of our pain reverberating to everyone around us. It’s no wonder with such fragile ego’s we have disproportionate reactions to one another. So often they report the reality was much better than the build-up in their mind. Sound familiar?
As You Heal You’ll Expand Your Potential
When you release wounds by healing the inner child, you’ll feel an inner expansion. Some clients describe the expansion as a physical sensation of more space inside their body. Some clients talk about having greater focus, they no longer waste 50% of their day dreaming or zoned out. Some clients describe feeling more tuned and aligned with their senses and nature. They actually start to notice and appreciate the beauty they’re already surrounded by. This feeling increases gratitude which deepens their personal connections, their relationships with others and themselves.
For me, it took a number of years to heal my wounds. At first, I worked through wounds from my teenage years and worked backwards chronologically. In the last year, I unearthed the most painful wound from my childhood. It was a place, before now I just couldn’t allow myself to go to. I feared I would unravel, feelings of guilt and shame were so intense.
But then, a miracle, circumstances created an opening for me to face up to the wound. Day by day, week by week, I found the courage, the language and the strength to face the wound. I was able to articulate what I needed back then and i’ve been on a journey to heal and re-parent myself.
The process I developed came from over a decade of trying out different techniques and approaches. I spent £££ on therapy and coaching, trying to find a person who has been where I’ve been so they can guide me. There was a lot of trial and error. Even more fits and starts but eventually I released the pain and wounds from my inner child. I’m still work in progress, each year I find I’m able to sink deeper to meet my inner child and I do this because I know one day soon, she’ll be full and free to live and love in all the ways she was meant to.
If you’re still here reading this, you probably recognise your inner voice is trying to tell you something. That something is, that you’re so close to releasing the hurt and pain from your younger self. An experience that’s been negatively affecting your whole life keeps rising not to obstruct you from your dreams and desires but to say it’s time to release the wound(s).
Hi! I’m Roksana Hussein, a Life Coach in St Albans although my clients are all over the UK and beyond. I synchronise coaching with therapeutic practices to create transformational growth and healing for my clients. I have a real passion for life coaching women over 30 and mums because I know from personal experience the marked difference on the quality of life of children between a healed mother and a wounded mother. Our children deserve the best of us and more importantly, we deserve to show up as the very best version of our self.
If you’re ready to heal and improve the quality of your life and the lives of those who matter most then it will be my privilege to guide you through my coaching programs. Book a FREE call by clicking the button below.
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